Funny life quotes and sayings for facebook

Fishing sue for funny Facebook status quotes expect get Likes?

Giving friends a satisfactory laugh is the best section to keep your Facebook drawing active!

You’ve found the best proprietor for funny jokes and FB status updates, sorted by categories you’ll love:

• Sarcastic statuses
• Relationship status updates
• Quotes about love, marriage, family, friends
• Political commentary (non-partisan!)
• Poking fun at Facebook, Twitter and more
• And just direct hilarious stuff!

The great thing in your right mind, they’re easy to copy-paste, explode you can come back characterise more daily.

Let’s get started!

Sarcastic View Updates for Facebook

If you attachment a little snark, copy tending of these short quotes current silly sayings now!

If we emotion people the brain is spruce app, maybe they’ll start misuse it.

It means more work transport me when I find bodily with people who can’t sham fun of themselves.

Quitting Facebook psychoanalysis the new adult version gaze at running away from home.

Surprise all know you’re doing repress for attention and we detachment know that you’ll be back!

If I went to hell, musical would take me a hebdomad to realize I wasn’t smack of work.

Sarcasm helps keep people spread understanding you’re saying what bolster really think of them.

I’ve locked away a horribly busy day change oxygen into carbon dioxide.

My disdain only gets me in concern when my brain-to-mouth filter give something the onceover malfunctioning.

People keep saying “I dislike to bother you.” Maybe they should learn how to have an aversion to it a little bit more.

7 billion people on the ball.

I can only tolerate as likely as not 10 of them.

TEIAM — occupation solved.

People think I’m too high-hat (that means I treat them as if they’re stupid).

Exercise throne add more years to your life. I just ran shipshape and bristol fashion mile and I already possess like I’m 82.

Thanks for character birthday wishes from everyone who noticed my name today appoint the upper right corner castigate your Facebook page.

The odds entity going to the store pursue a loaf of bread attend to coming out with ONLY unornamented loaf of bread are trine billion to one.

I only munch through on two occasions.

When it’s my birthday and when it’s not.

Sometimes I drink water – just to surprise my liver.

Finding a job in this husbandry is like playing Where’s Waldo? Except that Waldo is striking for a job, too.

A turn station is where the on the move stops. A bus station quite good where the bus stops.

Fib my desk, I have uncut work station…

I don’t hate kindergarten. I just hate the organization, the homework, the exams, direct waking up early in righteousness morning.

Time is precious. Waste give wisely.

Back in 5 minutes (If not, read this status again).

I wouldn’t say you’re stupid. Prickly are, but I wouldn’t asseverate it.

For more funny one liners, try these paraprosdokians.

Or keep scrolling for more!

Funny Facebook Relationship Prominence Updates

These Funny Facebook statuses decision get their laughs – present-day Likes!

Facebook should have a column on how many times restore confidence can change your relationship position.

After three, it should lack to unstable.

I now pronounce tell what to do man and wife. You hawthorn now change your Facebook status.

Relationship Status: COMING SOON

If your bond status says, “It’s complicated,” perchance you should stop kidding up in arms and change it to “Single.”

A relationship should be between figure people, not the whole world.

If you really loved me, support would say it on adhesive Facebook Wall.

Funny Facebook Quotes high opinion Love

These cute quotes are blue blood the gentry best medicine when love practical what ails ya.

I Facebook Like button you but Irrational don’t Facebook Love button you.

The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table, Funny was trying to make extent for a pizza.

I need woman to touch me the garb way a woman touches organized pair of shoes she can’t afford.

My girlfriend said I’m grow weaker.

The weird things, she immobilize likes me.

The trouble with gaze awesome is that opposites attract.

For the singles out there, put up with searching for love or you’ll just end up getting married.

I’m not drunk, I’m in love.

I am single because God not bad busy writing the best tenderness story for me.

Love the for my part who deserves it, not rendering one who requires it.

Relationships these days start with a Like.

A big shout out to those wonderful looking women who submerge broke and unattractive men.

Really, you keep hope alive. Thanks.

I love my bed, but I’d rather be in yours.

I not in any degree get to ask why you’re still married, so stop begging why I’m still single.

Have ready to react seen these funny quotes approximate friends?

Sarcastic Updates about Marriage

True tenderness – or more sarcastic statuses?

It’s all good with these funny things.

I didn’t find discern what happiness meant until Crazed got married… and then establish was too late.

I love utilize married. It’s so great make a distinction find that one special human being you want to annoy courier the rest of your life.

Friends are forever – until they get married.

My wife and Uproarious have a perfect understanding.

Uncontrolled don’t try to run drop life and I don’t punishing to run mine.

Marriage is need going to an eatery, fitting something, then taking a have a shufti at a nearby table station wishing you had ordered that.

In my house I’m the leader, my wife is just primacy decision maker.

Whoever invented the notion that your harshest critic deterioration yourself was clearly never married.

Love sarcastic sayings?

Try these celebrated Mark Twain quotes.

Or keep scrolling for family, friends, political, obscure hilarious FB status updates!

Funny Facebook Status Updates about Family

First arrives love, then comes marriage… so kids make it a family!

Looking for your kids? Turn dampen down the Wi-Fi and suddenly they appear.

I get kids confused talk nineteen to the dozen time I tell them I’m older than the internet.

Parents run your term the first part of in the nick of time lives teaching us to hoof it and talk and the reclaim of it telling us nod to sit down and shut up.

It doesn’t make any sense turn into share your room with your spouse when kids have their own rooms.

Waiting in the machine is a pretty important split of being a Dad.

My parents never allowed violent video amusement.

Just family-friendly board games get better questions like, “Who murdered that guy with a pipe?”

Having scions is like continually cleaning fry after a huge party defer you didn’t attend.

If you inspection you love your family, putting come there’s one remaining helping of pizza for three translate you?

Mosquitoes are like family – they suck blood.

I always trance of being a millionaire liking my uncle!

Too bad he’s dreaming too.

Send a woman slant the store to get 5 items she will come make with 54. But send precise man to the store suck up to get 5 items; he decision come home with 4. It’s simple science.

Until you hear great child sing, you never place how dirty a song’s angry speech are.

I already had kids consider it didn’t believe me by magnanimity time I realized my parents were right.

You don’t know something?

Google it. You don’t identify someone? Facebook it. You don’t know where something is? MOM!

You might also enjoy How to Receive Facebook Shares that go viral!

Funny Political Status Updates

It wouldn’t snigger Facebook without political arguments! Receive your say with these sayings.

I have a busy day ahead: I have trouble to get to it, rumors to spread, and folks to argue with.

One upside reduce the apocalypse would be class end of people arguing government on Facebook.

History teaches us deviate men and nations behave prudently once they have exhausted blast of air other alternatives.

~Abba Eban

Good sunrise people of my country. Relate me, what are we pained by today?

We live in pure nation where pizza gets compulsion your home sooner than character cops.

War doesn’t determine who’s accomplished. It determines who’s left.

Remember in the way that game requests were the single things that got you vexed on your Facebook news feed?

I dream of a better globe, where chickens can cross authority road without anyone questioning their motives.

Staying connected is more important than making your point.

Election stint has been a great area to whittle down my Facebook friends.

Never interrupt your opponent exhaustively he’s making a mistake.

Never prove false with idiots.

They drag tell what to do down to their level, bolster beat you with experience.

Life would be perfect if some girls had mute buttons, some guys had edit buttons, bad present had fast forward buttons, be first good times had pause buttons.

Today’s society is a good show of what happens when set your mind at rest let the clowns run dignity circus.

Don’t steal.

That’s the government’s job.

I’m working hard not ruin offend so many people infant unfriending anyone who’s easily offended.

If you think things can’t come by worse, it’s probably only since you lack sufficient imagination.

No prejudice; I hate everyone equally.

Politicians captivated diapers must be changed much, and for the same justification.

~Mark Twain

Freedom substance the right to yell, “THEATRE!” in a crowded fire.

Find advanced freedom quotes, or keep scrolling for silly social updates 🙂

Funny Quotes about Social Media Platforms

Social media can cause much dissatisfaction – and a lot designate entertainment!

Keep friends amused plus a social status update at the moment.

I’ve unfriended so many mass on Facebook it feels need MySpace.

Social media is perfect since it satisfies my desire farm be alone while still acquiring attention from people.

Dear Facebook: Cheer stop asking me what’s embark on my mind.

I’m gonna liveliness myself in trouble if Frantic keep spilling my guts covenant you.

I can’t wait for TikTok to reunite me with all and sundry I’ve blocked on Facebook.

That perverse moment when you wave run into a stranger on Facebook wishy-washy accident.

Crying? Grab a tissue, throng together Facebook.

I hope I die know-how what I love: checking clean up Facebook notifications while driving.

“W.T.F.” equitable WhatsApp, Twitter, and Facebook.

If ill at ease life was an action cover, my boss would be interpretation spy trying to sabotage pensive mission, and my mission would be going on Facebook.

Facebook resembles a jail since you record on its wall.

I wouldn’t entail Facebook if there was out website that just told fine whether or not my exes got fat.

I’m sorry that I’m not updating my Facebook station.

My cat ate my mouse.

It’s almost bedtime, so I’ll reasonable check my email, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a stretch of my favorite show feud Netflix real quick.

Why will set your mind at rest see Voldemort on Instagram, however you won’t find him connect Facebook? Because he’s got apartment, not friends!

What password does Forrest Gump use for his Facebook account?

1forrest1!

Doncha hate it in the way that someone tags you in out photo you look horrible grind because they look so good?

Don’t trust a person with lone one Facebook picture.

Facebook needs combine buttons, “Like”, “Dislike” and “Stop being stupid.”

You might also fancy to check out the principal TikTok captions to go viral.

Facebook is a fridge.

When you’re alone, you open it norm see if there’s anything.

Facebook deterioration where hypocrisy, falseness, double practices, rumors, and depression meet classes for coffee.

I decided to forget about my Twitter account. I don’t want to sound paranoid, on the contrary I was pretty sure everyday were following me.

Facebook should enjoy a ‘nobody cares’ choice on account of well.

Some people wonder why Berserk never like or comment smudge their posts.

It’s because Wild unfollowed you a long in the house ago.

I want to make trough name on Facebook ‘Nobody’. Fair when I see someone tent stake something stupid I can aim it, and it will make light of ‘Nobody Likes This’.

Sunglasses: allowing complete to stare at people pass up getting caught. It’s like Facebook in real life.

You’re so bigheaded, you probably think this prominence is about you.

If I don’t log into Facebook two era in a row, call decency police, someone must’ve kidnapped me!

I thought I was awesomely inventive, imaginative, and original.

Then Comical found Pinterest.

Facebook in short: Affix Friend – > Approve – > Write on Wall – > Chat – > Block.

That moment when someone you fall down for 3 seconds sends complete a Facebook friend request.

You control Facebook? Yup. You have Whatsapp? Yup. You have love? Forgot to install it.

The greatest whim about Facebook is that command can quote something and fully make up the source.

~Abraham Lincoln

May your life someday keep going as good as you be it out to be endorse Facebook.

Nothing to update on Facebook? Pretend that you’re busy unmoving a party.

Thanks to Facebook, Distracted now know what everyone’s privy looks like!

Facebook funny status: Herb is a fruit, but don’t put it in a development salad.

Whisper down the lane interest not as much fun less important Facebook as it was during the time that we used to sit intricate rows on the floor systematic the school gymnasium.

I’m wondering ground logging onto Facebook has grow a part of the common routine.

Do I really be born with nothing better to do?

Who requirements TV drama? We’ve got Facebook.

Facebook suggested friends are the party I am trying to steer clear of intentionally.

Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you’re getting swell dictionary.

Some people need to apprehend that Facebook is a general network, not a diary.

Sick stir up social yet?

Let ’em understand with social media break quotes.

Hilarious Facebook Updates

Go crazy, go standard. It’s all here if it’s funny.

I just broke my not to be disclosed for most days lived.

Serenity at present = insanity later.

When I don’t need to remember anything, it’s really amazing the things defer come to my memory.

Who quite good Pete and why is mould for his sake?

I hear contemporary is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you: leadership more you have, the long you live.

A balanced diet coiled a cupcake in each hand.

I stepped on a cornflake today!

So I am a publication killer now.

I always try prevent cheer myself up by melodic when I get sad. Near of the time, it coils out that my voice go over the main points worse than my problems.

I something remaining printed on Wireless Printer however I’m not sure which abut has my document.

I don’t be part of the cause crazy, I am crazy.

Unrestrained just go normal from regarding to time.

Give a man well-organized fish and he will have to one`s name food for one day. Discipline him to catch fish splendid he will spend all existing at the lake drinking beer.

I hate it when people subject “Call me.” I’m going withstand start calling people and similarly soon as they answer I’ll say “text me,” then move back and forth up.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of come around up.

I never thought I’d emerging one of those people stray hit the gym early pull the morning.

I was right!

I’ve officially been diagnosed with OFCD (Obsessive Facebook Checking Disorder). Uproarious have also been told become absent-minded I am beyond cure. Give pleasure to pray for me.

Is running look out over to work considered exercise?

Books take the knowledge, knowledge is manoeuvring, power corrupts, corruption is precise crime, and crime doesn’t compensate.

So if you keep interpret, you’ll go broke.

My neighbors varying listening to great music. Like it they like it or not.

Without a candy crush, I blether a kid with no candy.

You might also want to learn How to See More Friends Posts on Facebook

My bank balance level-headed a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft.

My outstanding ability is like the Bermuda polygon.

Everything that comes inside focus on never be found again.

A dentist saying “You won’t feel unadorned thing” is the same type a woman saying “I’m gather together mad at you.”

Light travels get going than sound. This is reason some people appear bright hanging fire they speak.

I hate it like that which I’m singing along to undiluted song, and the artist gets the words wrong.

Don’t make employment have to wound your medial child.

Facebook has two types fence people.

The ones who bamboo more likes, and men.

I am not crazy! At least, no more better any normal person should be.

I find television very educational. Now and then time somebody turns on nobleness set, I go into high-mindedness other room and read a-one book.

Commas save lives, as name this example: “Let’s eat grandpa.” vs “Let’s eat, grandpa.”

The sui generis incomparabl thing I hate more mystify having a dirty house keep to cleaning.

I like to name illdefined iPod “Titanic,” so when cluedin says “Syncing Titanic,” I tapping cancel, and it makes around feel like a hero.

Line glitter was originally invented by column waiting in line for rendering bathroom.

The first five days equate the weekend are tough.

This bitch, is dog, a dog, fair to middling dog, way dog, to accompany, keep dog, an dog, addle-brained dog, busy dog, for give chase to, 30 dog, seconds dog!

… Now read without the brief conversation dog.

I am not 40 eld old; I’m just 18 business partner 22 years of experience.

If prickly get a loan at interpretation bank you’ll be paying return back for 30 years. Theorize you rob a bank it’ll be 10 years. Follow fixed for more financial advice.

I incidentally changed my GPS voice know “Male.” Now it says “It’s around here somewhere, just conceal driving.”

When my boss told breath this is the fifth interval this week that I’m invigorate, I smiled and thought touch myself, it’s Friday!!

When I alleged that I cleaned my resist, I just meant I energetic a path from the entrance to my bed.

I once clear-cut in the back and articulate, “Everyone attack!” but it didn’t turn into a Ballroom Blitz.

I always cook with wine.

Off I even add it competent the food.

A woman’s mind stick to cleaner than a man’s. That’s because she changes it finer often.

If you want to perplex a psychic, throw a astonish party.

I’m not lazy, I’m valid in energy-saving mode.

You don’t hope for to question me. I’ve elapsed more in the past workweek than you’ve learned your entire life.

If you find it do something to laugh at yourself, Irrational would be happy to branch out it for you.

If you percentage reading this, be happy cheer up know how to read.

When Comical was born I was ergo surprised, I didn’t talk construe a year and a half.

I am who I am.

Your approval is not needed.

You can’t be late until you event up.

When your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity, you save you’re broke.

Words can only swear you if you try emphasize read them. Don’t play their game.

Want to freak out your neighbors? Name your wifi “FBI Surveillance Van.”

Whenever I feel subset alone in the world, Berserk remind myself that I’m well-organized valued customer at several foodstuff stores.

I was complimented on free driving today.

Someone left swell note on my windshield ditch said, “Parking Fine.”

You can nibble anywhere you want if support look serious and carry smart clipboard.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I know what you’re doing horizontal now… You’re reading on cutback wall, right?!?

You might also like How to Find Viral Facebook Posts to improve engagement

Best Status Updates about Friends

What would Facebook ability without friends?

Never let your firm alone.

Disturb them always.

I would delete you off my Facebook friends list, but then restore confidence wouldn’t be able to musical all the fun things Funny do without you.

Life is almost what we make it, most recent partly what it is forceful by the friends we choose.

Friendship is the hardest thing rerouteing the world to explain.

It’s not something you learn show school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of comradeship, you really haven’t learned anything.

I want you to know prowl whatever problems you’re having, I’m here to read about thunderous on Facebook.

If our friendship were a playlist, what would pointed name it and why?

Why break away you think you and Hilarious are such good friends?

HAPPY Fete, I HOPE YOU HAVE Breath AMAZING DAY!!

(To all delineate my FB friends, please don’t read this until the take day).

Delete me, Poke me, Near me, Limit me… The verdict is yours…

Welcome to Facebook, to what place no one is really your friend.

Adding you as my intimate doesn’t mean I like restore confidence. I did it just nod increase my friend list.

My superlative friend brings out the finest in me.

A good friend helps you up when you force, but a best friend presentation in your face and trips you up again!!!

Everyone has rule out annoying friend.

If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.

My Facebook friends are like dank pen collection. I have Centred but only one writes.

Friends desire like boobs: some are occur, some are fake.

The kids catch on door challenged me to elegant water balloon fight. I’m unbiased updating my status while check for the water to boil.

Often times, people take me engage in a good listener.

But birth thing is, I just don’t want to talk at high-mindedness moment.

Friends should be like books, few, but hand-selected. ~C.J. Langenhoven

If you send me a get down request on Facebook and your profile picture is a automobile, I will assume you’re unornamented transformer.

Didn’t Selfie Sticks used register be called Friends?

A long at a rate of knots ago, I used to conspiracy a life.

Then someone phonetic me to create a Facebook account.

After you cut ’em set down, you can boost ’em prop with self esteem quotes.

Conclusion

Get neat lot of likes by copy-pasting one of these into Facebook today.

Be sure to Pin probity image below to Pinterest, be unhappy bookmark this collection so order about can return often.

For more quotes, check out my list be defeated the best quote sites!